• 18 miles and self-doubt

    Date: 2010.03.01 | Category: reflection, running | Tags:

    This morning I had planned to run 18 miles, and when my alarm went off, I began trying to talk myself out of it.  I did not feel like I had properly trained or was ready to run 18 miles.  (I’ve actually been pretty good with keeping up all my runs with the exception of when I was sick a couple of weeks ago.)  It wasn’t logical, it was me psyching myself out.  I have a pattern of doing this when I have a run that seems very challenging in the near future.  I think it is a combination of anxiety and self-doubt/perfectionism/fear of failure.

    The fear of failure and perfectionism goes hand in hand, and I convince myself that I will not be able to succeed or even meet the bare minimum.  This leads to anxiety and waffling about whether or not to even try.  I had just about convinced myself to not try, when I realized I would regret not even trying.  The quote, “we have nothing to fear but fear itself” is so, so true in my life.

    So I went out, and the first 5 miles were glorious.  They felt easy and comfortable.  The sun was shining and the weather was between 30-40° F.  After that, I struggled to keep hydrated.  I stopped at around mile 7 at my car to pick up my water bottle, and drank, but not enough.  I wish I had stopped longer and drank more from my back-up bottle — my water bottle that I took on the run with me was empty after a mile.  I got to mile 11 where I knew there was a fountain, and it was off!  :(  I turned back around and knew I had a long ways to get back to my car.  Eventually I got there and drank all of my water, what little was left.  I took off and went down a windy and very hilly path off my regular path.  It really ate at my time.  Here are the results:

    As I’ve been doing longer and longer runs, my speed has definitely been hurt!  And I’ve developed a problem of positive splits.  It’s not intentional at all.  I go out and run comfortably.  Even when I look down at my watch and feel like I’m going slowly, it tells me I’m running 9:20.  I really need to get better at pacing myself.

    I also have to say that this was probably the hardest run I have ever completed.  My legs were throbbing during the run and for hours afterwards.  Heaven help me, I am not sure how I am going to complete a marathon.  :S  I did an ice bath afterwards so I hope that helps!  I definitely made it too cold at first.  I couldn’t even sit in it.  I warmed it up a bit and that made a huge difference.  An ice bath should be a minimum of 54°.  This is what it was after I had warmed the bathtub up!  God only knows how cold it was before I decided it would be a good idea to figure out the temp.  Here I am:

    p.s. yes, those are bikini bottoms.

    Next week I will be skiing in Colorado, and NOT running!    A couple of weeks after that, I have the big (and only) 20 miler coming up – gulp.

    Can I say I am kinda glad the Olympics is over?  I liked watching the events but having the tv on constantly is getting to me!  Well, it’s going to be a busy week getting ready for Colorado.  I have already over-packed, I’m sure.